Sunday morning, seventh puzzle
The big clock is ticking down
I'm sitting at the table
My brow creased in a frown
I could make the finals
Be a person of renown
What the hell is 14-Down?

This is the type of puzzle
That makes me wanna kill
I swear someone created it
I feel like a moron
A fool and a clown
What the hell is 14-Down?

It's the same people every year
It really gets my goat
Trip Payne's a two-time winner
Hell, he looks too young to vote
Hey, Trip, don't you think it's time
To spread the wealth around?
What the hell is 14-Down?

Half of the contestants
Are already on their breaks
I can hear Jon Delfin out there
Playing the piano, for crissakes
I don't want to be sitting here
When the collectors come around
What the hell is 14-Down?

Never have I ever solved
A puzzle quite so slow
The Ice Man's already cometh
And I'm Waiting for Godot
Does Doug really need another
Jewel in his crown?
What the hell is 14-Down?

I'd sell my soul to the devil
If I thought it would do any good
If there were any way to contact him
Believe me, I would
But that avenue's no longer open
To me, I fear
Hell must have frozen over
Ellen Ripstein won last year
Looks like I'll have to wait once more
Till next year rolls around
What the hell is 14-Down?